Day 2 as pet entrepreneur

Actually this is day 2 of my writing about my experience as entrepreneur/beach bum @ Hawaii and California. It will go back and forth with my memory of living in Hawaii for 2 months and how I live in California working on apps. I was supposed to call residency to tell them I want to go back to work. The truth is, I don’t. I was in the hospital and I said to myself. What am I doing here? My creative juice is completely running dry when I am in the hospital. I saw the old me, the young and naive girl who loves medical knowledge standing before me as I was doing my interview. I saw the new me in front of me as well. The one who has been through the venture/entrepreneur world and inspired by the hope and energy of entrepreneurs and creative spirits. As a scientist, I like my life very structured and I like my path very distinct. As a physician, I saw the way I was going. I am going to retire as a physician and be happy with lots of money. But unfourtunately, that wasn’t the way it went. Residency was a total misery. I often question myself why I was there. Going back to interview for another medical job was kind of weird too, because I really didn’t want to be there. I am afraid I have no future. And it’s the same fear I had when I had to go dive. I am afraid I was going to hit the boat when i jump off the boat into the water. I was afraid I was drowning. But instead, I went snorkling and the ocean was supremely magical and beautiful with fish around me. I have to say, I love diving and is fearful of diving at the same time. It’s the same as not being a doctor. I love medical knowledge but I am afraid being a doctor will kill me with bordem and I am not a doctor. I am a better researcher or medical technologist than a physician. I don’t know if I can ever convey that properly. I want to use my knowledge to create better things for people. Not be dictated by what I want to study or what I want to do. I hate the hierarchy of medical world. And sadly, Elizebeth Gilbert put it corectly, creative people suffer and gifts are loaned to us by God. Maybe I was so tormented as a physician because I have this creative gift and I couldn’t express it. Now is the time to do it. I am so thankful. If you fail, you will be disapointed. But if you never tried, then you actually failed. I will always remember that. And I remember how I feel when I went to Hawaii. I was scared. I was afraid I have no friends. And as it turns out I met a lot of friends. I was afraid of the exotic landscape and as it turns out the gods of the lands allowed me to see the most gorgeous sunrises in Hawaii. I was afraid of flying and height and I get to see different islands in the air. and I was thrilled and scared from the capitan, who told us we are about to land and there is big island’s volcano on the right of us and another volcano on my left. I was sitting in the middle and I wished I could have seen it, btu there were no more window seats when I went there during summer time. Hawaii gives me island fever yet I am drawn to it. I love Cali because people understand me but I am still drawn to NYC’s grandiose and Hawaii’s rawness. I saw my video yesterday which my friend sent me. I was thankful to have extra day in Hawaii to do things I want to do like light house in makapu, see heumama bay, stop by spitting cave and saw the pill box sunrise. It’s like God’s gifts to me saying you have an extra day and extra freedom use it. DOn’t worry. I hope that’s right. I was reminded by a professor I interviewed. He discovered the oldest fossil and he wrote books, went to talks and lived on a house next to the cliff and oversee the ocean. He told me if you do what you love, money will come. I don’t know if that is true but creative people suffer but I am happy. I couldnt’ say that when I was an anesthesiology resident due to work environment and people. (not reallyt the work itself). I am so not interested in calling people and telling them I want to come, when I know it wasn’t hte place to be.

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