Guilt of inaction

I was thinking about changing career. The thought of being from an MD, which is highly respected and rewarding job to become an entrepreneur is actually guilt invoking. Entrepreneur is thought of as innovative, passionate, but anyone who is outside of medicine is also considered money driven. I almost thought I went into medical career so I can make a difference in my life. I was disappointed. The difference did make someone else’s life better–I hope. But it did not make my life better. In fact, I was thoroughly bored, for lack of a better word. I was not passionate about what I was doing. I feel I was regurgitating the books I have to read and do well on test, which ironically I was never a great test taker. You would think doctors are smart. I think I am better in research, interviews but never test taking. Even if I am better than average population, I never feel smart in the doctors’ crowd. Being a doctor also makes me more inpatient instead of patient, which is also a big irony too. I have become someone who I didn’t want to be. I wanted to be a good doctor, patient, kind and listening to others. The busy schedule, the high demand, the stress makes all drive me to become someone I am not. I am happy to have survived surgery intern but the result was not only not intellectually stimulating, but resulted in my not wanting to be a doctor. I feel like a social worker all the time and the time to think was replaced by time to react. You have to be fast and good. I realize I was neither fast nor good. Instead of trying to improve myself, which I normally would, I just  be dreading my job. Then I realize, I actually lack the passion to even want to improve. I don’t want nurses to call me or patients to call me. I just want time to think, invent and make better things to make other people’s lives better in larger quantity. Some people are satisfied with making someone’s life better one at a time, which I am fine with. But I hope for myself that I can make bigger impact than just one individual at a time.  I realized I treasured my time in the lab. That was when I was most happy. I can think of ways to solve problems. And I want to be a leader in creating new solution not blindly following beaten protocols. I discussed my thought with my best friends and family. Surprisingly, none of them are enthusiastic about my decision. Being a doctor is comfortable life in its own ways. But my mind was lackluster squash. I had no time to think and I was thoroughly beaten up by stupid, thoughtless task like a robot. Most of the physicians will tell you. This is just what internship is. You will start to feel the difference once you pass this. I wish this is true. But I am forcing to study for my step 3, which is coming up instead of studying things I want to study such as anesthesia which actually perks my interest. Then I also realize anesthesia is culmination of every field, which makes me realize my knowledge in step 3 is all very important, and probably more important than any other field. I also feel discouraged because I have no time to spend on my outside interest, such as entrepreneurship. I like medical field. I like hiking and traveling. I like make  up and fashion. I realize instead of telling my friends I am interested in becoming entrepreneur,  I should just do it. Instead of talking about it and meet their lack of response or less than enthusiastic response, I should just go on my own way and design my own path. Being a doctor is a comfortable circle which I am familiar with. But if I am always comfortable, my mind will not be. It will be thoroughly bored by the comfort. And the lesson I woke up with is “just do it. And not just do it but do it well.” I am going to exercise my plan instead of talking about it. 

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